Therapy and the Therapist

In any other normal time, I would not have missed an opportunity to give in to the nostalgia of Baby Girl's one-year homecoming anniversary.

This last year has not been a normal time.

Baby Girl (and her parents and siblings, too, I might add) suffered through month after month of doctors visits, hospital stays, specialists, lab work and tests that I am quite certain
did little, if anything, for creating an ideal bonding experience.

Finally, sometime in the spring, we noticed the fog lifting. We were no longer on a first name basis with the pharmacy people at Walgreens and it seemed appropriate to discard at least two-thirds of our accumulated plastic medicine dropper collection. (Which still left us with several dozen. You know, just in case.)

And as her health dramatically improved, we began to relax. Just long enough for her doctor to notice that she (at 19 months old) was still cruising around the furniture and not standing unassisted.

Thus began our foray into the world of Early Intervention. Have you been there? It's a nice place to visit, but I'm keeping my passport close at hand, in case of a speedy departure. We've been evaluated, re-valuated, and screened. We've been classified, qualified and certified. Which won us two weekly hour long therapy appointments--one in Physical Therapy and the other in Developmental Therapy. The P/T therapist had one session with Baby Girl (who at 34 lbs and 3 ft. tall probably needs a new name...) and she started walking. Success--more so for the therapist's stats than for us as we knew she was close.

The D/T therapist was another story.

Little happened during those sessions that wasn't happening in our home already. And, truth be told, when a woman a decade younger than me with two children whose ages together don't total the number of arklings around here; I am a bit of a cynic.

Turns out that it wasn't just my cynicism at work, however, Baby Girl (who in addition to her physical stature also wears a plus-sized streak of stubbornness and strong will) had the therapist figured out at 'hello'.

And while Baby Girl's expressive language is clearly lacking, her receptive language more than makes up for it. Particularly when she heard the aforementioned D/T therapist's story about her own toddler's strong will:

D/T therapist: What's the matter Baby Girl? You don't want to play put the ball in a cup?

Baby Girl proceeds to pick up cup and ball and bails.

D/T therapist (to me): It's okay. My two year old is just like this.

Me (I don't think I said this out loud): I am just shocked.

D/T therapist (to me again): No seriously, (maybe I did say that out loud?) Why just the other morning, we were sitting at the breakfast table and my husband went to get something out of the freezer and my daughter saw ice cream.

Me: wondering aloud if this story is going where I fear it is.

D/T therapist: So, of course, she starts screaming for ice cream.

Me: Of course.

D/T therapist: Well, I looked from her to my husband and said to him, " Why on earth would you tease her with ice cream in the morning?"

***I'll insert here that I'd like to think that my expression may have mimicked the husband's because she scowled a bit at me and continued.***

D/T therapist: And I just thought to myself, 'You know, you have to pick your battles.' And I dished her up a bowl of ice cream.

Me: ?

D/T therapist: She did stop screaming.

Baby Girl (who has been within earshot this whole time) sauntered back in, dropped the ball in the cup and then looked at me--as if to say--"I am so done with her."

Needless to say, we have stopped D/T. And replaced it, with a more appropriate course of Speech and Language Therapy. Which was the intent of this post in the first place. I've found some fascinating information regarding adopted infants/toddlers and speech and language delays.

But I'll have to share it with you next time. Baby Girl is screaming. I need to go fix her some ice cream. ;-)

New Adoption Book

How have I managed to miss this one? It's a pairing of two greats, in my opinion. Dr. Ray Guarendi (adoptive father of 10 and psychologist whose words still echo in my head from time to time) and adoption. Dr. Ray's book Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It is now available! A few reviews of the book are posted here.

I especially like his motivation for writing--that "Maybe some couple will adopt because of something they read here," he writes. "Maybe some child unknown to me will get a mom, dad, family, brothers, sisters, and more."

If his book does that for even one child, it will be a runaway success!

Scheduling Surgery

I hope everyone had a very blessed, joyous Easter. I have many pictures from our Triduum and Easter celebration, but I have yet to transfer them from my camera to the computer. Eventually, I'll get them up here.

We had a lovely Easter. The weather was perfect and we enjoyed a cozy little brunch for about 30! We also had our annual Easter egg hunt. This is the 5th year we've hosted Easter and it is amazing how many new faces have joined our family since we first began!

My third quarter grade reports are due to Kolbe and the entire house is on Spring Break this week so we're trying to plan some fun activities. Soccer (for the big girls) and track (for The Boy) started last week and we have games/meets this weekend. Besides all of the excitement, we've been back and forth for a few doctor appointments for Baby Girl.

She'll be having surgery next Thursday (keep her--and all of us in your prayers please!) to remove her adenoids, scope her throat and re-check the tube placement in her ears. She'll also be undergoing an MRI of her head as at her 18 month appointment it was noted that her soft spot (the one on top) wasn't yet closed. Apparently, this is not completely uncommon. Other people have shared stories with me that their children (some even older than 18 months) have soft spots that hadn't closed yet either. The only difference being in their situations, they could tell how the pregnancy progressed or whether the labor and delivery was complicated or not. Unfortunately, we don't know any of those details, leaving us with the MRI as our only "good option". The good news is we'll find out if there is any cause for the soft spot being open or if, perhaps, there is nothing wrong and we possibly had been given poor birthdate information. Needless to say, she must be sedated for the test, which is next Tuesday.

The good news in all of this is that my mom is coming to spend the week with us! Yeah, mom! (Remember Renee's mom post?!? So true!)

Hopefully, I'll be back soon to post those pictures!

New and Improved Adoption Website

Although they formerly offered facts about adoption, the US State Department now offers a comprehensive website listing information regarding individual country programs, news and statistics, Hague Convention updates, links to all the US government adoption paperwork and much more--including a new blog!

If you are considering adoption but don't know where to begin, this would be a great place to start!

Join in the Rejoicing!

Don't waste your time here with me today.

There is a very special family who just grew one bigger today who you simply must visit.

A 4ever Family

One of the best benefits of our adoption agency is the online support group. It is a wonderful resource for the before, during and after stages of adoption (and a most excellent place to get pictures of your children from traveling parents!)

Recently, one of the parents shared a website that offers an in depth look at attachment and bonding specifically in children who have experienced trauma at a very early age. And as has been said here before, no matter how perfect the adoption situation---nor how terrible the original family life, the loss of a first family is traumatic for a child.

From the website:

Welcome to A4everFamily! We’re glad you’re here. If you are a parent or will soon be a parent of a child (including an infant or toddler) who has experienced one or more of the following, we especially welcome you!

Adoption
In-utero stress (which may include birthmother's stress over pending adoption)
Foster Care
Orphanage
Sudden separation from primary caregiver
Moves between families
Move to a new country
Hospitalization
Unresolved pain issues such as reflux or ear infections
Neglect (including unintentional, due to orphanage stay)
Abuse

Adoption aside, one could argue that Baby Girl's first year was chock full of trauma. Between the myriad of illnesses she faced and the multiple doctor visits which prompted an array of invasive procedures, we wondered aloud, "Can a baby suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome?"

And wouldn't you know it?

This website had an answer. If you are the parent of a child who has experienced trauma early on in life, I highly recommend taking a look at this site. You'll be glad you did.

Processing Grief and Children

When Amy Welborn shared that people continue to ask her, "How are the kids doing?" since her husband Michael died, I felt a funny sort of camaraderie. Although we have only exchanged the briefest of online dialogue, I was no longer a bystander, but a participant in this intimate conversation.

Hannah and Mr. T lost their first mother to illness about 3 years ago. When they came home, she was 8 years old and had limited English, but it didn't take a translator to know when something had touched a nerve that was still very raw and painful for her.

We allowed her to talk as she wished, to cry and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. We reassured her that her mother waited for her in heaven and that we would all be together again someday there. And there would be great rejoicing and much happiness. More than might be thinkable to a newly orphaned eight year old or the mother trying to navigate parenthood through this murky sea.

Is that not the most amazing gift of our faith?!?

Anyway, just the other night, she shared with me stories about the actual night her mom died that I had never heard before, and how it affected her. Having parented Hannah and Mr. T for a few years now, it is easy to forget this primal wound my daughter (and when he is old enough to understand, my son) carry. But it is important not to let that happen.

For all of us.

Even now, three years later, there are still stories to be told, tears to be cried and a very special birth mother to be remembered in heaven.

How'd You Get Here From There? Part XIII--English Language Learning

Let me preface this by saying that I am by no means an expert in teaching an older child to speak English amidst the multitude of adjustments happening in an international adoption. It just so happens that I have experience in doing so one time.

With one particular child.

From one particular country.

You might even read my painful attempts to speak Amharic and wonder if I know much of anything at all. So, read on, but don't say I didn't warn you.

In a previous post on Language and Adjustment of older adopted children, I opened with the caveat that

"each child will have his or her own unique timetable regarding adjustment and language. This will be dependent on a number of things: age, emotional condition, ease of adaptability in general, and with regard to acquisition of a second language (in this case English) the level of acquisition of the native language (in this case Amharic). "

If you are seeking to understand language acquisition and the theory behind it, that post is chock full of excellent links to people who are much smarter than me giving their two cents on English Language Learning. But today, let's talk about the nitty-gritty "How do you do it?" or "How do you make it through each day communicating with a child you barely know, whose dance you've yet to learn, without (either one of you) going insane?"

I think the first and most important thing to understand is that learning a new language is difficult. It can be easi--ER for some people, but in general, it is a process that takes time. In fact, the average length of time for fluency ranges from between 3 years to almost 7 years! (I like to remind myself of that fact when I am still correcting subject-verb agreement in an eleven year old. I think it makes both of us feel better.)

Another important thing to remember is (particularly if you have other children or have ever been a child) is that people have been teaching and learning language inherently in their families for, well, forever. Unless your family lives in complete silence, moving silently from one moment to the next--in which case, I might like to vacation in such a peaceful surrounding--your home is probably rich with language--spoken and written. So, just as you learned English, and as you taught your babies English, you will also teach your older adopted child English.

• As you did with your babies, you will start small. Begin with letters, sounds, sight word and rhyming words. Sing the ABC song and read bedtime stories. It may feel quite normal to do all of these things with a chubby little bundle of a 1, 2 or 3 year old, but it may feel mighty awkward at first to do these things with an older child. But guess what? That's one paradigm parents of older adopted children need to break--and break early. There will be moments, trust me on this, when you will be embarrassed in a public forum by the toddler language spewing from the mouth of the 'tween body of your newly arrived child. Parenting is the best slice of humble pie you may ever be served and with older adopted children the waitress just keeps dishing them up!
• You will worry about having speakers of their first language nearby--like sitting at your kitchen table ready to interpret, explain and reassure your child. We knew a few native Amharic speakers--but not well enough to have regular contact with them. We kept phone numbers from family who remained in Ethiopia and other age-mates from the orphanage who were adopted into American families. After a short amount of time, however, the Amharic conversations were replaced with English and when that wasn't possible, conversations became photo exchanges.
  
• You will feel torn between ensuring your child learns English and understanding that in order to do so, slowly her first language will retreat to a less-often used portion of her mind. It will make you wonder if it is a fair trade.
  
• And you will be frustrated by their seemingly slow or stalled progress. In case you hadn't heard this newsflash...

The feeling will be--without question--quite mutual at times.

The good news is when progress comes--and it will--you will both understand and appreciate how far you've come.

Another blessing of an older child's language learning process?

An older child will come with a pre-made template that enabled her to learn her first language, which will aid an older child in learning a second language (and will remain in place should your child choose to "re-learn" her native language someday). A child who is proficient in her native language will have an easier time acquiring a second one. Also, one great benefit to our little Ethiopian-English phrase book was that we could point to the word or phrase in English and Hannah could read the Amharic translation to understand what we meant. There were some haphazard pantomimes which occurred, but eventually we understood each other. But these first stories are part and parcel of the process. And they are priceless in creating memories necessary for bonding.

Like I said, language acquisition is a funny thing. It takes years for fluency. And while I fully believe that speaking correctly and teaching our children (whether first or second language English speakers) to speak properly is important, I have come to appreciate not acting as the grammar police on every.single.occasion. Because language is more than a Pygmalion-perfected speech. And sometimes, when you're not paying attention, you learn a little something along the way, too.

Better Late Than Never

Although written many months ago, I can quickly recall the NCR article by Melinda Selmys teeming with anti-adoption rhetoric.
Some of you may recall my response to her (as well as many of your own eloquent articulations) as to the many fallacies presented in her column.
Well, in a random act of googling this afternoon, I discovered that my letter to the editor had been printed! As had another Ark reader---check them out here.

How Rude!

Someone I know has a child with significant issues.

I'm leaving the particular details out of this post because in the end, they don't matter. The issues could be medical, behavioral, emotional, educational, physical, mental...the list goes on and on, but you're smart people, you bloggy friends, and you get the picture.

It's not even important to qualify the child in question with specifics. He (or she) could be any age, any religion or any race. It is sufficient to say that this child's story (or parent's story--depending on which side of the table you're reading from) is any child's story. Most likely you know a child who has struggled somewhere along their way, and many of you have probably parented one.

And if you aren't, let your knees hit the floor...quickly.

When I jokingly tell my mom stories about some of my more *special* (read: high-maintenance) children, she wisely tells me, "Aren't we all a little *special* in our own ways." Evidencing yet another cosmic truth: My mother is always right. Granted, some *special* needs may not seem as challenging to the casual onlooker, but to the parent dealing with the child who has tried on every pair of pants she owns and deemed them all "too scratchy" it can challenge the most patient parent. Trust me.

Which is why I was shocked at the implication, appalled by the audacity and saddened by the notion that someone should pose this question to my friend regarding her situation:

"Why did you even do this?"

You see, there is one important fact that must be a part of this story.

The child in question, who has struggled so mightily, was adopted.

So the question to the not-so-silent observer was obvious. Why would you have ever taken on a child who would cause you such pain, force you to make such sacrifices, and occasionally remove any sense of control you had from your life?

Horrified, I thought to myself, "Would anyone dare ask such a question to a mother whose biological child was such a burden?" On first thought, it would seem unlikely. The implication of the question my friend was subjected to bespeaks one of the tragic misconceptions of adoption:

Children raised by their birth parents never struggle, while adopted children always do.

But, as we who have parented the children we have birthed we know the fallacy of that argument. We understand the role God's grace plays in the lives of all our children--birth or adopted. Sadly, however, as I thought a little longer, it dawned on me that birth mothers are all too often asked this question as well. The only difference is in the timing. Mothers who are given a frightening prenatal diagnosis hear that same question when they decide to continue a pregnancy with a child whom the world deems less-than-perfect.

What would you have said to such an intrusive (and by intrusive, I mean rude) question? I'm finishing my thoughts on this but I'd like to hear what you all have to say.

Good News, Bad News

The good news is that Baby Girl has made remarkable improvements over the past week (is that an answer to prayer or what?) She still has a bit of testing ahead of her (blood work, labs, allergy testing, etc...) but for now, she is back on Zantac for reflux, drinking rice milk and acting like our sweet, happy Baby Girl.

The bad news is...do any of you remember what a healthy, active seventeen month old can be like?

Yikes! Apparently, I had forgotten. And no one thought to warn me.

But, it's oh so much better than a sick little Baby Girl. And for that I am grateful.

***And thanks for the recent add-ons to my followers list. I think I've added everyone on my end, too. Definitely let me know if I've missed anyone!***

Here's A Great Way to Celebrate Sanctity of Human Life Week!

Maybe you're not being called right now to adopt a child, but supporting the families and the agencies who do just such a thing is an excellent way to live out our Christian belief in the dignity of each human person. Take a look at this newsletter sent out from our adoption agency and see if you might be able to help. A donation of the cost of a package of diapers, wipes or formula would go a long way towards helping them meet their needs.

And just LOOK at all those beautiful babies!

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Shift Change

I'm home now, but Baby Girl is still at the hospital. The Captain took over last night and let me return to the homefront. Really it is impossible for me to be content in either place. If I'm at the hospital, my heart is breaking for the little ones crying at bedtime for me at home and if I'm home, I wonder and worry about my Baby Girl and those caring for her.
We were blessed with an amazing day nurse yesterday. A mother herself and growing up in a family of nine children she laughed out loud when she asked me if all of our other children were coming to visit and I replied, "No, only five are coming." It was a nice change from the 4th year resident who saw us and asked a barrage of questions (that I had already answered 800 million times) including, "So, you have seven kids...umm...how's that working out for you?" Tired, worried, and in no mood to debate my reproductive/adoptive parenting choices with this twenty-something woman, I simply shook my head and stated, "Fine." I think she actually wrote that down.
So, additional tests are being run, antibiotics have been started, she will probably be in the hospital a little longer until we have all things run to ground. Please keep praying. It has carried us through these last few days and nights.

Pray For Us!

Pray for our doctor's appointment today! We'll be at noon Mass for the holy day (where The Boy is serving) while simultaneously The Captain will be at the appointment. Our Blessed Mother will be hearing from us quite a bit on her feast day today.

I know there is a light waiting at the end of this long, dark tunnel...I hope we find it today.

Well, That Was Fast

So, you'll recall my saying they couldn't get us in until mid-February to see the pediatric specialist, right? Well, I made a call back to our primary doctor's office and wouldn't you know if she didn't have the names of a few other doctors who we could see in the group---one of whom had an appointment on Monday! As in three days from now! God is truly watching out over this baby. He must have great plans in store for her. If I can only manage parenting her until she gets to them...

And in other news, two rounds of antibiotics are finished! Hooray!

The Lighter Side of Adoption

For anyone who has been down the adoption road, you know that it is fraught with bumps and potholes. There are high highs and low lows beyond the wildest dreams of those on the journey.

And there are questions. Oh, the questions.

There are questions about birthmothers and their pregnancies. There are questions about adoption agencies and ethics. There are questions about attachment and bonding. There are questions about exorbitant fees and fundraising.

Not to mention the initial massive deposit in your adoption's emotional bank account which almost immediately begins draining until you feel nearly overdrawn.

But there is a lighter side.

There has to be. Otherwise we'd never make it through to the end. God's grace and a few humorous and clever adoption thoughts carry us as we navigate on our journeys. Today, I'm taking a break from the heavy stuff to share with you all a few of my favorites from the lighter side.

Accidental Adoption...It Could Happen to You!

A Recipe for Adoption Success

Ten (Not So Graceful) Ways to Survive the Wait

More than a Song

My good blogging friend, Anne, posted this video clip a few days ago and I knew that I wanted to feature it as one of the adoption posts this week. Even though I hadn't seen it. Mark Schultz is a favorite of mine, I love his songs Letters from War and You are a Child of Mine, but I had never heard his story. Now, in a poignant interview, he shares a part of his journey as an adoptee, his thoughts about birthmothers--including his own, and his epiphany about the nature of adoption to touch people far beyond the "usual suspects" and long after the adoption happens.

For more information about Mark Schultz, to view the video for this special song, Everything to Me, or to read comments from people who were touched by his song, visit his website.

New Column

This week, in honor of National Adoption Month, my column tells the story of the experiences of several foster moms--including the benefits they gained despite their difficult task.

You can read the column here.

CASA

There are many players involved in foster care. There are lawyers, parents, judges, and social workers just to name a few. One important figure, who may be the only constant in the tide of people who ebb and flow in and out of any particular foster care case, is the CASA worker.

What's a CASA worker?

A CASA worker is a Court Appointed Special Advocate. The CASA worker is a trained volunteer who is appointed by a judge to represent the best interests of abused and neglected children. Volunteers must be 21 years of age and in good standing.

Maybe you've considered adoption or foster care and found it to be too costly, too time consuming, too difficult to fit into your current family situation. CASA volunteers are another way to help children in need without the full-blown commitment of adoption or foster care. You can read a thorough list of FAQs here. To find out more about CASA volunteers in your state, visit their national website here.

But before you leave to learn more, take a look at the poem below, describing the important role of a CASA volunteer.

We speak for a child who wears shoes that are too large
whose nightmares are reality
who never heard of Mickey Mouse
whose parents ran away.
We are the voice of a child who feels at fault
who lives in fear of daddy coming home
who wonders what it’s like to have a friend sleep over
who eats only when food can be found.
We stand for a child who has never been to the doctor
who wonders what the tooth fairy does
who is unable to stand without help
who knows too well what an attorney looks like.
We listen to a child who doesn’t know what the truth is
who is in constant need of a bear hug
who finds freedom only on a swing
who believes they are the parent.
We are the heart of a child who wants
mommy and daddy to stop fighting
who has never had a bandage or kiss on an “owie”
who thinks we are the bestest friend they ever had.
We are the people who often read these children
their very first fairy tale
who wipe away their tears with our sleeves
who want them to believe life is worth it.
Together we work to make a difference, we are CASA!
A CASA Volunteer, 1997

November is National Adoption Month

Did you know that?

This past Saturday, in fact, was National Adoption Day, where families throughout the United States celebrated by finalizing their adoptions. In honor of this month, I'll be running posts related to adoption all week long. And if you haven't tapped into my Adoption FAQs, scroll down the sidebar for answers to some of the most popular adoption questions people have asked.

Today, however, I'm sending you off. Author and foster/adoptive mom, Heidi Hess Saxon, has several important articles about adoption you should know about. You may remember my response to the very anti-adoption article run by the National Catholic Register in September. Heidi has written "an important article about the alarming rise of anti-adoption advocates EVEN IN PRO-LIFE CIRCLES and Catholic publications such as the National Catholic Register." From the article:

Recently I was appalled to discover that these “anti-adoption advocates” are making inroads even in Catholic publications. Last September the National Catholic Register ran this article by self-professed “anti-adoption advocate” Melinda Selmys, who writes about encountering teenage adoptees who were acting out — though the adoptive parents were “kind and loving people.”

Rather than consider the real possibility that the teens had been damaged by circumstances that led up to the adoption, or that adoption may indeed have been their best chance at a bright future, or that these kids were just like others teens who have difficulties making the transition into adulthood, Selmys concludes that the adoption itself was the true source of the problem.

You can read the rest here.

Following its release, she posts a review of the book The Adoption Mystique, by Joanne Wolf Small, MSW, whose book was mentioned in her article. She also shares the response she received from the author of the original September NCR article.

There is also a post on her Mommy Monsters blog about coping with the pain of "Phantom Parents." She writes,

"the loss experienced by birth/first parents and adopted children is real, much like the phantom pains of an amputee ... and yet, those pains (however regrettable) may be necessary in order to save a life from the alternative: abuse and neglect, or even death."

You can read the rest here.

And, in the interest of fairness, she posts "a letter from an adult adoptee who is angry over the fact that she was taken from her mother, so you could listen to her story as well ... and better understand the nature of the pain adoptive parents need to help their children heal." You can find that article here.

There is much to read and reflect on here. Don't forget to check back tomorrow for more posts celebrating National Adoption Month!